By Erica Rivers, LPC-S, CPT
A few weeks ago some news came to my fiancée and I that caused a lot of fear and sadness. It hit like a ton of bricks. It was time to phone a friend. So, we did. We reached out to a couple in Florida who we dearly love. We asked for a Facetime call, and ya know what? It made all the difference! These friends were encouraging, uplifting, and supportive. They were there with creative ideas, comfort, and love. It was beautiful! No, they hadn’t fixed all the problems and no, everything wasn’t all better, but goodness it was helpful to know they were there and could be a sounding board of reason and love. I remember hanging up and feeling so grateful to have people that we could reach out to in hard times. Even more so, they hopped on a plane a week or so later and gave us a hug in person. Wow.
Oddly enough, sometimes I forget to reach out to friends at all, and tend to try to struggle through it alone. I’m slowly learning (yes, even as a counselor) that letting people know we are in need and what we need, is a really, really good thing. It’s healthy. Yes, it’s vulnerable to let people know we are not okay and that we can’t do it alone but it’s so good to let people love us.
Of course, this means having friendships that are give and take relationships, not one-sided or surfacy. I find that there are many people who crave such relationships but struggle finding people who are up for the job. It’s especially hard, I’ve found, for people right now during the pandemic to meet new circles of people. This is impactful. Yes, there are some online forums, and I would encourage folks to take advantage of those (support groups, clubs, networking group, studies) but there is something really nice about seeing people face to face. Of course, it takes time to make those kind of friendships, too. Trust is not (nor should not be) an overnight process. It is developed and tested over time. It doesn’t mean the relationship is conflict-free, either, but it does mean that we learn how to care well for the other person and we are patient enough to work through differences of perception and behavior. A good friendship can handle some stress. Maturity in any kind of relationship involves assertive communication, healthy boundaries, forgiveness, self-care, kind words, flexibility, receptivity to feedback, and purposeful quality time to keep the relationship alive.
Today, I’m thankful for my friendships. It makes me want to be a better friend. I see where I have some significant areas to grow in that. I want to encourage you, too, to take time to phone a friend when you-know-what hits the fan. Let them in. Give them the opportunity to be there for you. Tell them you need a chat, to grab a coffee, or that you need help weeding your garden. If you are wanting more friendships like that, consider if there are any that you would like to build on and pour into those. If there aren’t any current options, consider how and where you can meet some interesting people and put yourself out there (safely, of course, especially now!). Consider how you can be a better friend to others and consider ways that you can express this or show up when people need you.
Don’t just struggle alone. Reach out. There’s a lot of people who want better friendships.